The British Government, in it's wisdom, has now decided to ban samurai swords, apparently because they can be used in crime. No shit Sherlock. Except, it actually doesn't ban samurai swords. Oh no. It's only banned fake samurai swords - the one's that are about as fearsome as an otter, and have the cutting power of a butter knife. Not the sharp fuckers. Don't want to offend martial artists and collectors (which is fair enough; would you piss off a ninja?) Even their logic is flawed: yes, they can be used in crime. But they rarely are. A samurai sword is a huge bloody thing- even a fake one. You can't conceal it under a hoody, for a start. And it's hard to run around Romford stealing hubcaps, mugging the old ladies, and raping the young ones with one stuffed down your trousers. In fact, all the mass bladed weapons I've heard of in Britain have used a machete - a far more concealable weapon, easier to use and, indeed, cheaper to buy. But the thing is, it is already illegal to wander around the streets with one anyway. It's called "going about equipped". So the police can already arrest some hoody with a Samurai sword already. All this bans is the sale and purchase (not ownership) of the damned thing. And it won't make a bloody difference. If the fine young men of Croydon want to turn their town into a twin of Berlin in 1945, they still will. They'll just be harder to find, as instead of carrying a samurai sword they'll be carrying something smaller and easier to conceal. Or if they feel a need to conceal the fact they have small penises and require violence or rohypnol to get laid, they'll start carrying sabres. For which they'll need a horse. Dear God, this ban's going to end up with chav cavalry. Chavalry.
Anyway, I digress (I'm now having strange thoughts of charvartillery, and the Thin Burberry Line). The fact is, anything can be used in a crime. A screwdriver, a guitar, a motorcar, a printer, an aeroplane, arsenic, an accountant, an inflatable giraffe...the list is endless. Yet they pick on the samurai swords. Oh, and fake guns. Their illegal to buy now, too, due to something called the Violent Crime Reduction Bill. This is truly a pointless piece of legislation. It's claimed that people can use them to threaten people. Well, you can use a cleverly concealed banana for that. So can a deactivated weapon (which are, thankfully, still legal). They say that blank firing guns can be converted to fire bullets and used to kill someone. Well, perhaps, but that would inolve modding them (already illegal), importing (already illegal) aand replacing the barrel (already illegal), strenthening most of the inner parts (already illegal), importing (already illegal) and buying the ammunition (already illegal), carrying it for use in a crime (already illegal), firing it (already illegal), and killing someone (already illegal). I doubt the fact that any criminal will suddenly decide to give up on his quest as he will now be committing one more crime . And anyway, he can just buy a real gun illegally off some Eastern European Mafioso and save himself the time, money and hassel.
But it probably gives the cretins in power the feeling they are doing something, and gives cretin's who aren't in power warm, fuzzy feelings. Well, I hope that someone beats the living shit out of them with a cricket bat and then throws them off a cliff. Except they'll just ban cricket bats, the act of throwing, and cliffs.
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